A Look at Domestic Violence Through the Eyes of A Retired Cop...Interview With Gail Merriwether

In our efforts to enlighten, empower, and encourage those who have been touched by domestic violence, today IMGF shares an engaging interview with Officer Gail Merriwether.

Please feel free to pose your own questions through the "comments" section provided.


1. What's the biggest misconception that people have about domestic violence?

The Top three biggest misconceptions: That it mainly impacts poor minorities-- (it crosses every racial, social and economic boundary), that women aren't as likely to abuse (it's on the increase), and that those victimized are ready to end the relationship (not true).

 

2. How can a woman in a new relationship spot a potential abuser? Are there any red flags or warning signs?

 

 Biggest red flags? A man who discourages your other friend/family relationships (wants to keep you away from other people), and loses his temper too easily. This is not the same as discouraging the company of other guys he sees as potential threats (this is normal male behavior), or getting a little snarky after having a bad day. I advocate getting to know exactly who you're dating before getting intimately involved and that takes time as well as seeing the person in different situations.

3. Why aren't more perpetrators criminalized?

 

Actually they are quite often criminalized. The laws in Illinois take it seriously and favor the victim. So much so, that many men carry a scarlet letter on their backs (a domestic violence label in their record). But it cuts both ways---some innocent men have been falsely labeled after being accused out of vengeance or spite following an argument, or from having been part of a simple pushing/shoving match as an immature 17 year old. The result is a record that follows him/her for a lifetime preventing any future government employment or job that would involve weapons such as police officer or security guard.

 

4. Do you think that domestic violence is more or less prevalent in the time since you initially became a cop?

 

 I would say it is more prevalent. I would ascribe much of it to a breakdown in the family structure, which spawns girls with low self esteem (ripe victims) and fatherless boys who have never been schooled in how to treat a female (ready abusers). There was a time when a girl's father or brothers would 'have a talk' with Joe Blow if he maltreated their sister or daughter. With the last few generations bearing ever smaller families, and many women today living on their own, that 'protective big brother' ingredient is missing, leaving us to turn to the law to take the place of what used to be handled as a family matter.

 

5. Would you recommend, ( as a deterrent) that women take self-defense classes or carry a gun?

 

I definitely recommend women take self-defense classes (more than one type) because it gives you a sense of assurance that, if attacked, you have some kind of game plan in mind, it familiarizes you with adversarial physical contact, and at the very least, you go down fighting and hopefully taking a piece of him with you! I have heard that some advise not to fight back, and in the case of a weapon you have to weigh your options carefully, but you must always assume the perpetrator intends to kill you. Why go willingly?

 

I do advocate women learning to shoot. Take courses on a shooting range and qualify with different types of weapons. Shooting is not a male or female thing; it is a neutral skill that involves eye-hand coordination and concentration, and well worth learning. Not surprisingly, many women find they are good at it. Either way, acquiring the knowledge enables you, should you ever come across one, or decide to own one, to know how to handle, use, load, or unload it safely.

 

6. How can those of us that know someone who is being victimized help?

I mentioned before that not everyone in a domestic violence situation is always ready for help. Some are in denial. Some want to work it out. Some want to wait for the other person to change. Some truly love the abuser (albeit an unhealthy love) and will not leave the situation no matter what anyone says.

 

The best thing you can do is;

1) Be ready to listen with a sympathetic ear. Use caution in giving advice--it may backfire if the victim decides to get back together with the abuser.

2) Do not insert yourself in the middle of the conflict by confronting the abuser.

3) Know the laws in your city regarding domestic violence and orders of protection, as well as abuse hotline numbers. Be ready to share this information with the victim should the opportunity arise.

4) Stay in regular contact with the person if possible; check on their well-being with phone calls or visits.

5) Be ready to call police if the situation warrants (hearing fights, screams, or things breaking). If they are never informed, the situation won't be on their radar.

6) Be ready to testify as a witness to incidents you have seen or heard

7) Be ready to call the nearest hospital or police station on the victim's behalf if they come to you for assistance. There are a number of organizations and hotlines who will handle it from that point.